November 09 – Article

BUT I THOUGHT WE

WERE FRIENDS!

Sometimes when dealing with co-workers we experience flashbacks to schoolyard squabbles. No doubt there’s been a time when you’ve had that knee-jerk reaction to defend yourself at work when you felt that you were being unfairly criticized.

Everyday at the office we hear adult conversations that reminds us of kids fighting. If you listen carefully, you can hear ways in which all of us typically defend ourselves by trying to justify, deflect or withdraw.

If we feel under attack, it’s only natural that we want to justify our actions by quickly saying: “ But she hit me first!” When we feel guilty, it’s easy to deflect and point out: “ But all the other kids do it!” Or, when we just don’t want to deal with it, or with someone, we just withdraw and walk away saying: “I can’t hear you!”

If you’re working with someone it can be tough to confront them on their work performance without running into some of these defensive reactions. Take the example of a client who was in marketing. She got promoted and was now managing a team. A big meeting with a new client had been scheduled for after lunch. Everyone arrived prepared and on time for the meeting except one graphic designer.

After the meeting, my client asked to talk with the designer. That’s when she had a quick flashback to her daughter fighting with a playmate in the kindergarten sandbox.

Understandably my client was upset and embarrassed. Without thinking, she confronted the designer by saying: “I can’t believe it! You were late again! How could you do that? It’s so irresponsible! For all I know, you were out shopping again!”

She admitted to being thrown off when the designer stopped her short by saying: “Hey, wait a minute! You never start those meetings on time anyway. Besides, Susan was late last time and you never said anything to her. And what do you mean by shopping? You and I used to go shopping at lunch together. I thought we were friends!” Then she turned and stomped out of the office.

In our coaching sessions, my client explained how she felt she had been completely taken off guard. Part of her wished she had replied: “Well, we’re certainly not friends anymore”, or “I suppose you just want me to feel guilty about getting this promotion. You probably think I shouldn’t have got this promotion if I can’t start meetings on time!”

It can be difficult dealing with work performance problems, especially if that person now reports to you and you are friends. The first step was to help my client separate the person from the problem. As the manager, she recognized that she was responsible to both the clients, and to the staff, to start meetings on time. Also, she needed to start the next conversation with the designer in a more supportive way, without hostility and judgment. Moreover, she needed to assure the designer that, although they were still friends, she can’t play favourites and she expects her to be on time.